Reed's Story Corner: Crossovers, Botniks, And Spess!

Hello chums.

You remember my old Creative Corner, yes?

No?

Well Gee.

Anyways, I've been needing a place to plant all my fics at, so SHEBAM! Here you are!

And to start off the show, I'm putting a fic I labored on for a few days here. I'm part of something called the Dapperus Criticus, started by some australian guy and his best friend to roam the multiverse and keep peace. I decided to write a bit that stemmed from a group chat we had, which was hilarious, because Betrayus had the silliest voice and Girlius was a manly voice.

The Argon Incident

Dapperus stood high on the cliffs of Argon, watching the Dapper Marines repel the oddly-named Argonians as a Chapel-Barracks was being set up. Those aren't Argonians, he thought to himself, those are walking copyright violations. Bethesda will sue if we fight another race called the Argonians, but ehh, whatever, bolter fire solves all disputes. He walked away from the cliff to the Librarian waiting for him nearby.

"Gentleman-Librarian, what are we exactly DOING on Argon?"

The Librarian looked up from a convenient book he was reading on how to betray your comrades.

"Oh, something about Kyras and whatever, as said by the Emprah."

"But Gentleman-Librarian, Kyras of the Blood Ravens was taken out in Retribution."

The Librarian twirled his obviously villainous moustache.

"You question the word of the God-Emperor?"

Dapperus sighs deeply. The almighty Emperor has said some weird things these past few days, such as 'go find a goose that can't be caught' or 'look The other way while I stab you in the back'. His back still hurts from that, as the Gentleman-Librarian's Knife of Betrayal was still stuck in his back.

"No Gentleman-Librarian Betrayus, I question not the word of our glorious Emperor."

"Good," Betrayus said villainously, as he wrote how villainous he was in big bold letters on his Chaos Sorceror armor with a magic marker.

Something isn't right about Betrayus, thought the ever-vigilant Dapperus.

As soon as the Chapel-Barracks was set up, the Dapper Marines told the Argonians to piss off while they went and had some nice warm draft. The Argonians, as dumb as rocks, didn't comply, forcing a specific Dapper Marine named Maryus Sueus to promptly obliterate them with a handheld Cyclone Missile Launcher.

As they all sat and drank in the Gentleman's Club of the Chapel-barracks, Dapperus was puzzled. He sat amidst his best friends, the Gentleman of the Forge, Techmarine Julius, and possibly the only Female Space Marine in existence, Dapper Generic Love Interest Girlius. As expected, the only weapon in her arsenal was the rage of millions of neckbeards.

"Julius, I'm concerned about our reasons for being here."

"Why is this, Dapperus?"

"I question the motives of our Librarian."

"Could it be because he's obviously evil? He's been cackling evilly on occasion and has caused the disappearance of one of the young girls on a previous planet. A few Battle-Gentlemen say they say him tying her to some old train tracks."

"No, I at least have faith in our Librarian. Betrayus isn't a traitor at all, he has the will of the good Emperor in his heart."

"...you do realize what you just said right?"

Time flies past, as Gentleman Librarian Betrayus goes outside and practices Chaos Rites. A lot of the Dapper Marines are confused as to what he is doing, and dismisses it as praising the Emperor, as he chants the praises of Tzeentch. Maryus Sueus, however, never came back from single-handedly exterminating the Argonian race, and is rumored to have somehow become a Primarch and start his own Chapter, the Fuckawesome Gods of Get Shit Done, and be deemed next in line for the Throne because everyone feels that he needs to actually be told how awesome he is. In truth, Sueus was actually a underimaginative 13 year old kid who barely even knew the rules for Rogue Trader, or even any of the Warhammer Lore, but in that armor he was JESUS. But his exploits further will be told elsewhere.

Dapperus's daily rituals became tedious on Argon, and Betrayus's Daily Rituals became pretty damn obvious to any reader not inflicted with the dreaded Stupid that Nurgle generously spreads among internet-dwellers. Betrayus even called forth a Lord of Change, and the Dapper Marines just thought it to be a creature of the Emperor, and asked of it advice.

Dapperus sat down in his Quarters, with a purple painted Ork with a wooden mask painted to look like Girlius's face, since Girlius got replaced with that ork by Betrayus so he could sacrifice her to Slaanesh.

"Girlius, the Librarian's odd praises of the Emperor are getting out of hand."

"WOT YOU TALKIN BOUT, DATZ JUZT SUM GOOD OL EMPRAH WURSHIP!"

"Maybe you're right, Girlius. I should just relax."

"KWIT BEIN SUCH A ZOGGIN GROT AN SHADDAP!"

Eventually, Dapperus finally met with Betrayus to put an end to this.

"Gentleman-Librarian, your praise of the Emperor has become the opposite of morale boosting to the Dapper Marines."

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed."

"I'm beginning to suspect that this isn't praise to the Emperor at all, after a bunch of Daemons started playing lulzy pranks on my men."

"No, you think?"

Dapperus readied his ThundaHamma™ and was ready to strike, as Betrayus readied his villainous Chaos sorcery, but suddenly, a bolter round went through the head of Betrayus, dropping him. Dapperus looked over at the shooter, identified to be the Dapper Marine 5th Company Captain, Reasonablus.

"Gentleman-Captain, how could you?! I was going to give him my hammer to strengthen his faith!"

"Lord Dapperus, he was obviously evil."

"Not only do you slay your fellow Dapper Marine, you even slander him?!"

" He was practicing Tzeentchian rituals."

" In the name of the Emperor, I will have you put to death, Heretic!"

And so, Reasonablus was put to death for the murder of Betrayus, the loyal and Emperor-loving Librarian. He will be missed.

Yet another story of sorts, taken from one of my many doomed starting Fortresses on Dwarf Fortress.

Honorpaint

I didn't know why they named it Honorpaint. It seemed like the Mountainhomes were all drinking too much Dwarven Rum when they began making names for these places.

All I know is, it was the opposite.

Dark tunnels made of red sand, a leader who was reclusive and rarely seen...it was run on terror. We lost four to dehydration during the winter, our pets were murdered senselessly for food...I cried more than ever when I ate the cooked remains of my dearest Vuku Terracebucket. It...scarred me.

The ragtag militia we had was going mad. Already, our "esteemed" militia commander "Jarl Ballin'" Metalfarm had planted his copper axe in his son's head, in front of all of us, in a fit of fury. He then went into an even worse fit of rage, and started slaughtering people, forcing us to retreat to the tombs of those before us. The honored dead were plagued by the unwilling living, as most of us began losing the will to live, the door barred, and no food or drink..or alcohol...in sight.

Our miner, the legendary "Reliable" Axethunder, began attempting to tunnel us a way out, as the murderous militia commander's rage was heard through our feeble door. Just as we had hope, just as Axethunder had made a suitable exit..we heard goblin war cries.

At our most vulnerable, goblins had decided to attack Honorpaint. We heard the rage of our deranged commander manifest, the pure, unfiltered brutality of his instability unleashed on the foe. At most, we heard him slay at least 3 goblins before falling, and then we heard their looting and pillaging. IT would be a matter of time before they turned their attention to the stone door we were behind. This drove Axethunder to dig faster, until finally we reached the outside of the mountain, where we are presently.

I can see the siege still in progress, they seem to be in full swing. We are lucky to have made it out, with the five of us able to return to the mountainhomes. IT will be a long journey, but we must tell them of our plight. Now, I must go, there are a few figures in the distance. Hopefully, they will remove us from these lands.

This written account was found amidst a group of shredded dwarven corpses by the hero axedwarf Kolvak Axearm of Aces. The expedition of Honorpaint was deemed a failure, as no survivors returned to The Grand Tools. We hope that our dwarven brethren will rest in peace, for they struck the earth, but the earth struck back.