280 replies to this topic

[Uncle Ben]

Holy detail batman...

[TheRedStranger]

Well, bugger. I was going to upload my comments as a Word file, but FUS won't allow it. Massive post it is, then. More general feedback will follow soon.

 

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Sonic had never ran so fast in his life. He had always had something to run to, and he always ran fast. But not THIS fast.

 

In the first sentence, replace ‘fast’ with an adverb, such as ‘quickly’ or ‘swiftly’. The rest of the paragraph feels awkward and perhaps unnecessary. Consider revising those two sentences or omitting them entirely. At the very least, italicize ‘this’ rather than typing it an all caps.

 

This was because he had no idea what he was running towards. But he still had to find it. Tails' birthday (add) was a few hours away, and he still couldn't find him a present! He had searched across the entire planet for a great gift for him (omit) and still couldn't find something good (consider adding ‘enough’ to the end of the sentence; given that that would be redundant with the last sentence in the paragraph, it might just be better to end the sentence with ‘...and still couldn’t find anything’)! He searched for tools to help him with his machines, but he seemed to have everything he needed. He searched for toys and games, but everything was either too expensive, or not cool enough. He couldn't find anything that he thought was good enough to give to Tails!

 

The repetition of ‘He searched’ works well here, adding emphasis where it should. Noting that Sonic searched the entire planet is a rather clever turn of phrase. For any other character, it would be obvious hyperbole. Yet Sonic’s speed makes a more literal interpretation plausible.

 

There were only three things that Sonic loved more than anything else in the world: Chili Dogs, Kicking Eggman's Ass, and his little bro, Tails. So you could see why Sonic was so concerned about finding him a present.

 

The use of profanity here and in other parts of the story is unnecessary. It accomplishes nothing save feeling forced and immature. If used at all, it should be sparingly and with appropriate gravity. There should be weight to its use, with the profanity drawing attention to the forcefulness of a statement rather than itself. Even then, it would feel out of place in a Sonic story in almost any context. It didn’t work in Shadow’s game, and it doesn’t work here. Besides, Sonic himself uses the word ‘butt’ over ‘ass’ anyway, as with the nickname ‘Robuttnik’.

 

Cut the second sentence in the paragraph and expand on the first instead. Also, neither ‘Chili’ nor ‘Dogs’ should be capitalized here (nor should ‘Ass’, for that matter). Finally, note that the second sentence should not be written in second person. Never use the word ‘you’ in writing outside of dialogue.

 

Finally, just before dawn, Sonic had almost given up. He knew he had to get high (add the last two letters, though the typo is rather humorous), something, but he had no luck finding the perfect gift. Looking around, he found one store that he had missed. A small Chinese antique shop, in the middle of an alley. Sonic walked in without thinking, hoping that something inside would be perfect for Tails.

 

Inside were several trinkets, statues and who knows (replace with ‘knew’; stay in past tense) what else, all covered with dust and cobwebs. Sonic could've sworn that he had seen the (add) place in one of the billions of scary movies he had watched. At the back of the shop, (omit) was a very elderly young (omit unless you’re going for a paradox, in which case this needs explaining) man, Mr. Wing, who was peacefully dusting off an old chess set, while a little boy, his grandson, sat bored.

 

The hyperbolic use of ‘billions’ here feels unnecessary. It’s not adding any particularly meaningful emphasis and just comes across as awkward. I recommend replacing it with ‘countless’, ‘many’, or something similar. There’s nothing objectively wrong with it, mind you; it’s just one of those issues I can’t quite put my finger on.

 

There’s a shift in narration type here that shouldn’t be present. Everything previous is tight third person, meaning that it’s essentially from Sonic’s perspective. Yet here the narration is omnipresent, identifying Mr. Wing’s name and the fact that the boy is his grandson. Don’t have the narration tell us this directly. Instead, have the characters introduce themselves through dialogue. Alternatively, Sonic could deduce that the boy is Wing’s grandson by observing physical similarities between the two.

 

Sonic walked carefully to the desk, making sure not to break anything.

 

The last half of the sentence is a nice bit of subtle, character-driven humor.

 

"Excuse me, sir?"

Mr. Wing remained silent.

"Can you help me, (add) sir? I was in the neighborhood, and I was kinda hoping to find a gift for my brother."

Still no response.

"He's really into machines, and inventing, and I was hoping you'd have something that would interest him."

Silence.

Having asked three times, and gotten no answer, he consulted the boy.

"Hey kid, is your grandpa alright, or something?"

"He just likes doing his work. He doesn't like being disturbed."

"That helps a lot."

 

While one doesn’t always need to qualify dialogue with ‘Sonic said’ or something similar, I find it a good idea to do so for sarcastic statements. Adding something like ‘Sonic sighed’ or ‘Sonic replied dryly’ after “That helps a lot” would help. That’s just a personal preference, however.

 

Suddenly, Sonic heard a thump from the corner of the store. Looking in that direction, he saw a dusty old wooden box. Moving towards it, he opened (add) the box, and came across something he had never seen before, in all of his adventures. Now, (add) Sonic had met lots of strange creatures and people in his journeys. A powerful monster made of water, a flying creature that loved ice cream, hell, he had even met his younger self!

 

Replace the commas (save the one after ‘hell’) in the last sentence with semicolons. Replace ‘hell’ with ‘heck’ (see comments above).

 

But he had never seen this.

 

In the box was a small creature, with long ears, stubby arms with tiny hands, brown and white fur, and a patch of white fur around it's (replace with its) right eye. It seemed to like Sonic, and started singing.

 

"Woah!", (I believe this comma should be deleted; at least, that’s what grammar check is saying. I can tell something should be done about it, though I must admit that the usage of commas in dialogue has never been a strong point of mine) he said with excitement. "What is that?"

 

The boy responded, "A Mogwai. He does that sometimes."

Sonic closed the box and returned to the desk.

 

"That thing is awesome! Tails will love it! I'll take him! How much?" Sonic said, whipping out a whole lot of money he had (add) saved for Tails' gift.

 

Replace ‘a whole lot of’ with ‘the’. If you want to emphasize that the amount of a large one, also add ‘sizable amount of’ or something similar.

 

Mr. Wing finally spoke. "No."

"W-what?" Sonic replied. "Come on, I'll give you 500 bucks for him!"

"No."

"You don't understand! That's the perfect gift for my bro! I can't find anything else to give him!"

"I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale."

The boy quickly cut in. "But Grandfather, we need the money!"

"Mogwai requires great responsibility! I cannot sell him for any price."

Mr. Wing walked away and through the back door.

 

Sonic sighed. "I guess I'll have to settle for a gift card. Man, he'll be pissed." He walked off when the boy grabbed his arm.

 

Revise the first part of the last sentence into ‘He was walking off when’.

 

The use of ‘pissed’ is problematic, and not just because it’s a crudity. Portraying Tails as angry paints him in a negative light and feels out of character. Having him be disappointed would be more fitting.

 

The boy whispered, "Meet me around the corner in an hour."

 

Sonic nodded with confusion, but complied. In an hour, he was waiting around the corner, where nobody was at. He was anxious, as the sun was rising while he was waiting. The boy came running to him with the Mogwai's box.

 

The phrase ‘where nobody was at’ is very awkward. Replace it with ‘which was deserted’.

 

Impressive...most impressive. 

 

I would be honored for you to review my work.

[Captain Sorzo]

Alright, I've read the rest of VHS' story and will post comments shortly. Going to go for a walk first and get my thoughts on the matter in order.

 

As for a DeviantArt group, I'm willing to join, even though the prospect of opening ourselves to the whole of DeviantArt Sonic fan fiction is absolutely terrifying, rules or no. Between the lack of quality control and raging shipping wars...it could turn ugly. At least with FUS we all have a bit more common ground as far as preferences relating to Sonic, not to mention a pretty solid overall community.

 

Regardless, I won't be able to get an account going for a month. There was an old one under a different username that required deactivation before I could use my email for a fresh one.

 

Stranger, I'll gladly read and offer feedback on your work in the future, but I'm going to finish up my chapter before looking at anyone else's work. Hopefully I can start on the next one in the queue in a week or so. On a side note, I saw you mention a few days ago in the chat box that you were reading Heir to the Empire. If you're new to the Star Wars EU and want some suggestions on what's worth reading, PM me.

[TheRedStranger]

Alright, I've read the rest of VHS' story and will post comments shortly. Going to go for a walk first and get my thoughts on the matter in order.

 

As for a DeviantArt group, I'm willing to join, even though the prospect of opening ourselves to the whole of DeviantArt Sonic fan fiction is absolutely terrifying, rules or no. Between the lack of quality control and raging shipping wars...it could turn ugly. At least with FUS we all have a bit more common ground as far as preferences relating to Sonic, not to mention a pretty solid overall community.

 

Regardless, I won't be able to get an account going for a month. There was an old one under a different username that required deactivation before I could use my email for a fresh one.

 

Stranger, I'll gladly read and offer feedback on your work in the future, but I'm going to finish up my chapter before looking at anyone else's work. Hopefully I can start on the next one in the queue in a week or so. On a side note, I saw you mention a few days ago in the chat box that you were reading Heir to the Empire. If you're new to the Star Wars EU and want some suggestions on what's worth reading, PM me.

 

 Good. Take your time.

 

  You have a point, and I concede to it.

 

 We shall build up here first before making our perilous strike on Deviant Art. Ben and I will discuss this more.

 

 We will strike someday, but when we do we shall be prepared. First we must remember our goal: to improve the Fandom in what a small way can. For some sane and creative person out there, we could be a port in the storm. But it'll do more harm than good if we aren't somehow...selective. Perhaps our group should grow by invitation instead of submission. And Deviant Art Account could have some form of a progressive meritocratic heirarchy much like your average RPG. Benifits to the tolerable and the tactful. And for the rest, well, they never were invited.

 

Thanks in advance, doubly so.

 

 Sure, we shall PM. We should become more aquainted anyways.

 

 I eagerly await your upcoming work.

[Captain Sorzo]

Made a couple of edits to my in-depth post on the previous page. Typos on my end, ironically enough. I need to start proofreading my proofreading. >_>

 

As for thoughts on the story in general:

 

-The writing is better on a macro level than a micro one. The overall plot and pacing are fairly solid given the premise.

 

-The concept of the piece isn't exactly deep or groundbreaking, but that's not an issue here. VHS mentioned that it was meant to just help become familiar with writing, and a fun crossover is as good a starting point as any. One shouldn't aim for complex themes and the like without a solid technical foundation, after all.

 

-Characterization is serviceable, save for a major issue mentioned below, but for the most part it doesn't stand out either. The Sonic characters don't feel all that different from their game counterparts, who unfortunately are so bland and poorly written that they offer weak baselines. It's hard to flesh characters out when they have so little meat to begin with. That's not to says it's impossible, of course, but the battle is an uphill one. An exception to this is Sonic in the first chapter, where his brotherly love of Tails is given some nice focus.

 

Gizmo's characterization, on the other hand, is actually quite solid, at least once the duplicates show up. I genuinely felt pity toward him and was even a bit worried when he was seized. The primary reason he works so well is because we got inside his head more. His thoughts and feelings are shown, rather than only his words. Try to do this with other characters. What are they feeling? Why do they act as they do?

 

The single largest issue with characterization in the story is that Sonic and Tails suddenly become remorseless killers in the fifth chapter. These two have never killed anyone in their lives, yet suddenly they start slaughtering creatures they had previously been taking care of without hesitation. Even if it's in self-defense, they should be experiencing some very strong emotions, if not during the acts of violence then immediately thereafter.

 

As a final note on characterization, Sonic and Tails show an alarming unwillingness to act once problems start to emerge. For example, Sonic just goes for a run like usual once the cocoons are discovered. It seems unrealistic.

 

-There's very little worldbuilding. I get the sense that the setting is essentially the same as that of the games, but again that isn't much to go on. Why do Sonic and Tails live together? Does Amy live alone? What role does Sonic play in the larger society, outside of fighting Eggman? Are he and the other Mobians (for want of a better term) famous? How does society view them?

 

-The story is too fast-paced and barebones for its own good. One of the notes even mentions that the early chapters were deliberately shortened. It would benefit if things slowed down considerably, with more time devoted to imagery and the thoughts of characters.

 

-The mechanics on a smaller level need work, but they're far from unsalvageable. A thorough pass or two of editing is in order, with the issues I pointed out in the earlier post used for reference.

 

That's about all I have to say. I won't give this or other stories a rating or letter grade, both because art shouldn't be subject to such scales and because it would be too relative for my liking. The A+ of a paper being judged on a high school level could be an F at a graduate school level, after all. We all have different standards.

[RedAuthar]

Reading Red's work right now. Plan to give a detailed review hopefully the begining of next week, if not tomorrow.

Any other takers?

 

I am going to write our first News Letter and talk about an upcoming Halloween-Scene Contest. Don't know the reward yet, but have a great idea for a challange.

Oh...I should hold off on the next chapter than just avoid adding more work to your load.

[TheRedStranger]

 

Reading Red's work right now. Plan to give a detailed review hopefully the begining of next week, if not tomorrow.

Any other takers?

 

I am going to write our first News Letter and talk about an upcoming Halloween-Scene Contest. Don't know the reward yet, but have a great idea for a challange.

Oh...I should hold off on the next chapter than just avoid adding more work to your load.

 

http://www.youtube.c...h?v=DFrIxvQLdYI

Much obliged.

[TheRedStranger]

Yeah, I'd be willing to join as well.

 

Excellent. Our band of Freedom Fighters grow.

[Uncle Ben]

Wahoo!!

 

So whats next: My Sonic and the Time Shifter chapter one or Red's War for Mobius or both?

[ILOVEVHS]

I vote for Ben.

[TheRedStranger]

I am doing both. But I think you guys should pick.

[Uncle Ben]

doesnt matter to me

[Captain Sorzo]

I'm not going to be able to make that Wednesday post of my chapter after all. Lots of work piling up for this coming week. More notably, my conception of the chapter's ending keeps getting refined. I've got to cover a fair amount of emotional ground here, as there's no turning back once the chapter ends and the plot moves forward, so this one shot needs to be perfect and can't be rushed.

 

Hopefully, I'll have it wrapped up by the end of the month.

[TheRedStranger]

Status update from everyone?

[Uncle Ben]

Working my ass off at work. I wanna finish Chapter 7

[TheRedStranger]

Working my ass off at work. I wanna finish Chapter 7

 

Be careful, you'll need that!

 

If you hit any road blocks or have any questions PM me. This isn't my first Rodeo. I have been people's creative consultant for years as an editor. I am happy to bounce ideas.

[Uncle Ben]

i have been doing it with Red for awhile, ill PM ya some stuff when i have some time.

 

Once i have a day off im gonna dial down and get it done

[RedAuthar]

Working on a WfM Side Story from a SWATbot's point of view. 

[Captain Sorzo]

I've written about half a sentence in the past week. Hoping to get some actual progress done Thursday evening.

[TheRedStranger]

I've written about half a sentence in the past week. Hoping to get some actual progress done Thursday evening.

 

Gettin' the ole writers block, or just slowin' down? Maybe I could help.

 

 Same offer: If you need someone to bounce ideas with.