280 replies to this topic

[Uncle Ben]

youll get a review tomorrow VHS

[Uncle Ben]

Okay VHS, here it is (and sorry it isnt like Strangers... i'm exhausted):

 

Flow: It was rather good. Sentences were good and it felt natural. Paragraphs broke when they needed to and it sounded right. You knew where to break them. Now using some verbs and saying said alot was a bit much but that stuff could be easily fixed.

 

Plot: For someone who has never watched Gremlins, you explained the concept of who they are and how they work and that sense. Story wise it was good. Some things felt were a little uneeded and i did notice some hints of the original version you had were still in it, though it could been easily overlooked.

 

Characters: Everyone seems written they way it should be. Nothing seems outta place and everyone is written the way they should be.

 

Overall VHS you have a good story, good flow and everything seems in place. You took something that some may not know about and easily explained it. It was a good start and slightly above average for Sonic fan fics (which are either hit or miss). 7/10

[ILOVEVHS]

A WINNER IS ME!

[TheRedStranger]

Reading Red's work right now. Plan to give a detailed review hopefully the begining of next week, if not tomorrow.

Any other takers?

 

I am going to write our first News Letter and talk about an upcoming Halloween-Scene Contest. Don't know the reward yet, but have a great idea for a challange.

[Uncle Ben]

Mine. Chapter 1 please

[TheRedStranger]

Mine. Chapter 1 please

 

 I'll do so.

 

How are you guy's liking EoT so far?

[Uncle Ben]

 

ohh and here's chapter 1

 

http://uncleben59.de...ter-1-349348218

 

You know i was thinking. Why dont we make a DeviantArt group and have us as the Founders/Co-Founders. Where you share Fanfics and we give reviews?

[TheRedStranger]

 

ohh and here's chapter 1

 

http://uncleben59.de...ter-1-349348218

 

You know i was thinking. Why dont we make a DeviantArt group and have us as the Founders/Co-Founders. Where you share Fanfics and we give reviews?

 

Let's do it to it.

 

Reading will commence soon.

[Uncle Ben]

Lets plan the group out if we do it.

[TheRedStranger]

Lets plan the group out if we do it.

 

 Got any pointers guys?

[Uncle Ben]

I say we have it as anyone can post a story (within the guideline/rules like the ones i made back on the first page) and say one of us will review it within a month and we decide who reviews what stories via PMs and stuff

[Captain Sorzo]

Sorry I haven't given my comments on VHS' story yet as promised. College is taking up a lot of my energy, and whenever I sit down and start to work on it I invariably get distracted by the need to finish my own chapter.

 

I have read the first chapter, however, and will do my best to post something tonight. What I'll probably do is give detailed, line by line feedback for the first chapter then more general comments on the rest of the story.

 

No clue if I'll still have my own work up by next Wednesday as planned. While I'm satisfied with the quality of what I've produced thus far, it comes at the cost of writing at a very slow rate. I'm lucky if I can come up with a page per week.

[TheRedStranger]

I say we have it as anyone can post a story (within the guideline/rules like the ones i made back on the first page) and say one of us will review it within a month and we decide who reviews what stories via PMs and stuff

 

PMing is good. I support that. Especially because it gives the chance to avoid any future idealogical senistivities between newly joined reviewers and writers (Crap like: "I hate Sonsal, blha, blha, I like SonX/Y/Z ,yap, blha!") Get my drift? We want to make sure people who enjoy the genre of the work review the work, and that any and all potential fan-girl bicker-battles are avoided. Also PG-13 limit like we mentioned.

[Uncle Ben]

Yea that works.

 

Lets trying keeping it PG-13 or lower. R if and ONLY IF we all agree that it can be shown

How about this for rules

 

1. NO YAOI: WE REALLY DONT NEED TO SEE IT
2. NO YURI: Some may wanna see it but still
3. PG-13 or lower. R if warned and agreed upon
4. Forum Rules.
5. NO RULE 34
6. Respect the critques. If your Fan Fic gets panned, use it to get better
7. IF questions get asked Answer them (if its about your fan fic)

 

 

I say this should be the the rules

[TheRedStranger]

I second that.

 

So our Deviant Art Title?

 

Oh and should we allow cover-illustrations to be posted?

Should eople who do comic work have the right to post their fiction as well, since it is illustrated fan-fiction?

[Uncle Ben]

Sonic Fanfic Coalition

 

Yes of course

[TheRedStranger]

Sorry I haven't given my comments on VHS' story yet as promised. College is taking up a lot of my energy, and whenever I sit down and start to work on it I invariably get distracted by the need to finish my own chapter.

 

I have read the first chapter, however, and will do my best to post something tonight. What I'll probably do is give detailed, line by line feedback for the first chapter then more general comments on the rest of the story.

 

No clue if I'll still have my own work up by next Wednesday as planned. While I'm satisfied with the quality of what I've produced thus far, it comes at the cost of writing at a very slow rate. I'm lucky if I can come up with a page per week.

 

 It's all good. Your college work is my first concern in the matter.

 

 Good!

 

 Write your pace, speed comes with time (or in my case coffee.)

[Uncle Ben]

or in my case: Palmer, Coka Cola, or (if im home) Sam Adams

Stranger PM me so we can plan this

[ILOVEVHS]

Pepsi. No Coke.

[Captain Sorzo]

Well, bugger. I was going to upload my comments as a Word file, but FUS won't allow it. Massive post it is, then. More general feedback will follow soon.

 

---

 

Sonic had never ran so fast in his life. He had always had something to run to, and he always ran fast. But not THIS fast.

 

In the first sentence, replace ‘fast’ with an adverb, such as ‘quickly’ or ‘swiftly’. The rest of the paragraph feels awkward and perhaps unnecessary. Consider revising those two sentences or omitting them entirely. At the very least, italicize ‘this’ rather than typing it in all caps.

 

This was because he had no idea what he was running towards. But he still had to find it. Tails' birthday (add) was a few hours away, and he still couldn't find him a present! He had searched across the entire planet for a great gift for him (omit) and still couldn't find something good (consider adding ‘enough’ to the end of the sentence; given that that would be redundant with the last sentence in the paragraph, it might just be better to end the sentence with ‘...and still couldn’t find anything’)! He searched for tools to help him with his machines, but he seemed to have everything he needed. He searched for toys and games, but everything was either too expensive, or not cool enough. He couldn't find anything that he thought was good enough to give to Tails!

 

The repetition of ‘He searched’ works well here, adding emphasis where it should. Noting that Sonic searched the entire planet is a rather clever turn of phrase. For any other character, it would be obvious hyperbole. Yet Sonic’s speed makes a more literal interpretation plausible.

 

There were only three things that Sonic loved more than anything else in the world: Chili Dogs, Kicking Eggman's Ass, and his little bro, Tails. So you could see why Sonic was so concerned about finding him a present.

 

The use of profanity here and in other parts of the story is unnecessary. It accomplishes nothing save feeling forced and immature. If used at all, it should be sparingly and with appropriate gravity. There should be weight to its use, with the profanity drawing attention to the forcefulness of a statement rather than itself. Even then, it would feel out of place in a Sonic story in almost any context. It didn’t work in Shadow’s game, and it doesn’t work here. Besides, Sonic himself uses the word ‘butt’ over ‘ass’ anyway, as with the nickname ‘Robuttnik’.

 

Cut the second sentence in the paragraph and expand on the first instead. Also, neither ‘Chili’ nor ‘Dogs’ should be capitalized here (nor should ‘Ass’, for that matter). Finally, note that the second sentence should not be written in second person. Never use the word ‘you’ in writing outside of dialogue.

 

Finally, just before dawn, Sonic had almost given up. He knew he had to get him (add the last letter, though the typo is rather humorous), something, but he had no luck finding the perfect gift. Looking around, he found one store that he had missed. A small Chinese antique shop, in the middle of an alley. Sonic walked in without thinking, hoping that something inside would be perfect for Tails.

 

Inside were several trinkets, statues and who knows (replace with ‘knew’; stay in past tense) what else, all covered with dust and cobwebs. Sonic could've sworn that he had seen the (add) place in one of the billions of scary movies he had watched. At the back of the shop, (omit) was a very elderly young (omit unless you’re going for a paradox, in which case this needs explaining) man, Mr. Wing, who was peacefully dusting off an old chess set, while a little boy, his grandson, sat bored.

 

The hyperbolic use of ‘billions’ here feels unnecessary. It’s not adding any particularly meaningful emphasis and just comes across as awkward. I recommend replacing it with ‘countless’, ‘many’, or something similar. There’s nothing objectively wrong with it, mind you; it’s just one of those issues I can’t quite put my finger on.

 

There’s a shift in narration type here that shouldn’t be present. Everything previous is tight third person, meaning that it’s essentially from Sonic’s perspective. Yet here the narration is omnipresent, identifying Mr. Wing’s name and the fact that the boy is his grandson. Don’t have the narration tell us this directly. Instead, have the characters introduce themselves through dialogue. Alternatively, Sonic could deduce that the boy is Wing’s grandson by observing physical similarities between the two.

 

Sonic walked carefully to the desk, making sure not to break anything.

 

The last half of the sentence is a nice bit of subtle, character-driven humor.

 

"Excuse me, sir?"

Mr. Wing remained silent.

"Can you help me, (add) sir? I was in the neighborhood, and I was kinda hoping to find a gift for my brother."

Still no response.

"He's really into machines, and inventing, and I was hoping you'd have something that would interest him."

Silence.

Having asked three times, and gotten no answer, he consulted the boy.

"Hey kid, is your grandpa alright, or something?"

"He just likes doing his work. He doesn't like being disturbed."

"That helps a lot."

 

While one doesn’t always need to qualify dialogue with ‘Sonic said’ or something similar, I find it a good idea to do so for sarcastic statements. Adding something like ‘Sonic sighed’ or ‘Sonic replied dryly’ after “That helps a lot” would help. That’s just a personal preference, however.

 

Suddenly, Sonic heard a thump from the corner of the store. Looking in that direction, he saw a dusty old wooden box. Moving towards it, he opened (add) the box, and came across something he had never seen before, in all of his adventures. Now, (add) Sonic had met lots of strange creatures and people in his journeys. A powerful monster made of water, a flying creature that loved ice cream, hell, he had even met his younger self!

 

Replace the commas (save the one after ‘hell’) in the last sentence with semicolons. Replace ‘hell’ with ‘heck’ (see comments above).

 

But he had never seen this.

 

In the box was a small creature, with long ears, stubby arms with tiny hands, brown and white fur, and a patch of white fur around it's (replace with its) right eye. It seemed to like Sonic, and started singing.

 

"Woah!", (I believe this comma should be deleted; at least, that’s what grammar check is saying. I can tell something should be done about it, though I must admit that the usage of commas in dialogue has never been a strong point of mine) he said with excitement. "What is that?"

 

The boy responded, "A Mogwai. He does that sometimes."

Sonic closed the box and returned to the desk.

 

"That thing is awesome! Tails will love it! I'll take him! How much?" Sonic said, whipping out a whole lot of money he had (add) saved for Tails' gift.

 

Replace ‘a whole lot of’ with ‘the’. If you want to emphasize that the amount of a large one, also add ‘sizable amount of’ or something similar.

 

Mr. Wing finally spoke. "No."

"W-what?" Sonic replied. "Come on, I'll give you 500 bucks for him!"

"No."

"You don't understand! That's the perfect gift for my bro! I can't find anything else to give him!"

"I'm sorry. Mogwai not for sale."

The boy quickly cut in. "But Grandfather, we need the money!"

"Mogwai requires great responsibility! I cannot sell him for any price."

Mr. Wing walked away and through the back door.

 

Sonic sighed. "I guess I'll have to settle for a gift card. Man, he'll be pissed." He walked off when the boy grabbed his arm.

 

Revise the first part of the last sentence into ‘He was walking off when’.

 

The use of ‘pissed’ is problematic, and not just because it’s a crudity. Portraying Tails as angry paints him in a negative light and feels out of character. Having him be disappointed would be more fitting.

 

The boy whispered, "Meet me around the corner in an hour."

 

Sonic nodded with confusion, but complied. In an hour, he was waiting around the corner, where nobody was at. He was anxious, as the sun was rising while he was waiting. The boy came running to him with the Mogwai's box.

 

The phrase ‘where nobody was at’ is very awkward. Replace it with ‘which was deserted’.