280 replies to this topic

[Uncle Ben]

Naw hes the green guy that uses some magical sword

[ILOVEVHS]

Oh wait! I remember! He's that yellow pizza that eats ghosts!

Or was he the straight line that plays tennis?

[TheRedStranger]

Review Time!

 

 

 Since this my first review I plan to be both benevolent and merciful...well, a bit.

 

 Okay VHS's Story is simply titled You Can Never Tell: A Sonic The Hedgehog and Gremlins Cross Over, and that's just what it is. It takes characters from Gremlins yet rather implements the lore of Gremlins into the Sonic series (specifically lore from Sonic's game canon).

 

 The first chapter (which will be the main focus of this review) focuses on Sonic and his search for a present for his good friend Tails.

 

 Critique wise, I can say the pacing is good. VHS knows when to break up a paragraph and make diologue sound natural and flowing. Typically a glaring sign of a novice prose writer is that they use "said" to much, or overuse dialogue attribution verbs and adverbs. VHS knows the reader isn't dumb and that a break in paragraph sometimes is all you need to show a difference in speaker .

 

 I particularly like the first chapter's starter sentence. "Sonic had never ran so fast in his life." It's a good hook. And that already gets him a good mark in my book. However the next two sentences are a bit awkward.

 

"He had always had something to run to, and he always ran fast. But not THIS fast."

 

 Well one, everyone should know Sonic is fast. Two, the prose gets a bit awkward with the repetitive use of inactive auxiliary verbs, prepositions, an another action verb ("had", "to", and "ran"). The capitalization of THIS is a bit over played. It is like the narrator just screamed suddenly for no reason. Instead of conveying that he is running fast. I'd recommend VHS cut to the chase right here and show us Sonic frantically searching, conveying his cluelessness and race against time.

 

 Say, something like this:

 

 Sonic never ran this fast in his life, He frantically zipped from shop to shop through Station Square, searching through aisles and pestering venders in the alleyways in the search for something to buy. The problem was he didn't exactly know what that something was, and he didn't have much time to figure it out, let alone have it gift wrapped .

 

The idea of Sonic searching and speeding around to find a great present for Tails's birthday is a nice touch, because it introduces a conflict that draws in the reader. So, VHS, should really play this up by showing a bit of the search, instead of telling us about it - he should give a few more visualizations.

 

 The following scenes in the antique shop are good. The pacing is good. You can feel tension between Mr Wing, Sonic, and the boy. The only thing that I could really say needs improvement is the integration with The Sonic Lore. Sonic is a hero, and an unusual being to meet, just talking with him would be quite an exciting high point in anyone's day. That boy would know him and freak out! Perhaps that could add more tension to the scene. Mr. Wing knows that the Mogwai is a giant hazard in the making. But Wing looks like a stubborn and bad sales men to Sonic in the process. Treating him badly could lead to miscommunication which could then raise suspicions (could he be anthrophobic, or suspicious of him and his powers?). Sonic is impulsive, brash, and now has an extra obstacle to deal with. Surely there could be some opportunity for at least a bout of sassy language to pierce the awkward silence. If this was Station Square, that boy would most definitely be a fan. Who in SS wouldn't like Sonic, after all he has done for that city? It could a good moment to set up tension and even foreshadow the severity around the issue of giving up a Mogwai. The store losing money could be thrown into the ensuing three man argument. Perhaps Business has been bad since Chaos wrecked the place and they had to rebuild. Or the economy in the city has hit a snag because of one of Eggman's exploits (after all nobody says “hey let’s go blow some dough on a crusty oriental vase after the Egg Carrier crashed into their apartment complex). Increasing the conflict here just a tad through the dialogue and some reactions like a clenched fist or some other tense body language would spice the scene up with a tad of action and zing. Adding elements from both the series into one slowly boiling scene would really envelope the reader in the exciting milieu of crossing lores. Meanwhile the Mogwai should contrast the tension, being all cute an innocent for comic relife.

 

Also, where did Sonic pull out those 500 bucks, his shoe, his…nose? It would be more interesting for him to perhaps give the kid a power ring (I bet a signed power ring would sale well in curio shop, even when times are bad).

 

 Sonic in sense could get what he wants by appealing to the kid and convincing him to give him the Mogwai while saving the curio shop from dipping into the red ink. It is might not be an action scene, but none the less it doesn't mean it should be building up the craziness to come through cryptically ominous phrases from Mr. Wing, The Boy's hard choice between disobeying his grandfather and supporting their livelihood, and our hero trying to race against the clock.

 

 Oh, and Chao! Chao and Mogwai, there should be some kind of comparison or link between them and the narration. That is maybe why Sonic thinks Tails would like it. They would remind him of those other cute and fluffy creatures.

 

 So far it is an interesting is concept, with good dialogue, starter sentence, and punchy pacing. I'd only

 

. Grammar is clean. Sonic is accurately played in most regards. Mr. Wing's attitude and the atmosphere of the curio shop is a nice touch to Sonic's current conflict. And there is a good sense that there more trouble to come from this little cute ball of fur - big trouble. I just recommend milking the doubled up lores for all it's worth, beefing up the three character conflict in the curio shop, and showing more through Sonic's words than actions than mere narration. We should appeal to the inner-eye (action and diologue), a bit more than the inner-ear (exposition) lest out work look like a lecture rather than progressing story.  VHS's first chapter of this story gets a C+ for being a good bit above the mark of your average fan-fic.

[ILOVEVHS]

Thanks for your review. When I update, I'll use your ideas to do some edits.

I have to admit also that Skylar helped a lot with editing.
And they live in Chinatown, New York.

[TheRedStranger]

Thanks for your review. When I update, I'll use your ideas to do some edits.

I have to admit also that Skylar helped a lot with editing.
And they live in Chinatown, New York.

 

Eggman wanted eggrolls, and then trashed the place. 

You guys care to do mine next?

[Captain Sorzo]

I still haven't read VHS' story. Will try to do so later tonight and give feedback of some sort tomorrow (or possibly very late tonight, if I'm feeling up to it).

 

after all nobody says “hey let’s go blow some dough on a crusty oriental vase after the Egg Carrier crashed into their apartment complex

 

Wha-? You're serious?! Well blast it, there goes the crux of my entire story!

[TheRedStranger]

I still haven't read VHS' story. Will try to do so later tonight and give feedback of some sort tomorrow (or possibly very late tonight, if I'm feeling up to it).

 

after all nobody says “hey let’s go blow some dough on a crusty oriental vase after the Egg Carrier crashed into their apartment complex

 

Wha-? You're serious?! Well blast it, there goes the crux of my entire story!

 

Whoops!

[TheRedStranger]

So are there anyother people offering out stories? I am going to get ready to do my next few reviews.

[Captain Sorzo]

My story's first chapter won't be ready for at least a week.

[TheRedStranger]

My story's first chapter won't be ready for at least a week.

 

 I'll probably be the first to review it.

 

 The person who calls it first, gets my next review!

 

Ready? Go!

 

Ps. I am going to edit our ground rules and stuff into the top post.

[RedAuthar]

I wouldn't mind a War for Mobius Review. 

[TheRedStranger]

I wouldn't mind a War for Mobius Review. 

 

You got it. 

[Uncle Ben]

i wouldnt mind one for Chapter 1 of Sonic and the Time Shifter

[ILOVEVHS]

Oh Magic Conch, will Ben get his fanfic reviewed someday?

Conch: Maybe someday.

THE CONCH HAS SPOKEN!

[TheRedStranger]

Oh Magic Conch, will Ben get his fanfic reviewed someday?

Conch: Maybe someday.

THE CONCH HAS SPOKEN!

 

*Dances around with a blazing tourch...underwater.*

[Uncle Ben]

Oh Magic Conch, will Ben get his fanfic reviewed someday?

Conch: Maybe someday.

THE CONCH HAS SPOKEN!

 

Hey im reviewing yours later

[TheRedStranger]

 

Oh Magic Conch, will Ben get his fanfic reviewed someday?

Conch: Maybe someday.

THE CONCH HAS SPOKEN!

 

Hey im reviewing yours later

 

 

Only fair. Get one, give one back .

[ILOVEVHS]

I'll probably review it first actually.

[Uncle Ben]

give me until Wednesday

[ILOVEVHS]

Ok.