Deutscher Reviewer Reviews: Insidious.

Hallo, ich bin der Deutscher Reviewer, and prepare to be Deutsched!
WHY AM I STILL AWAKE!?!? ILL TELL YOU WHY!!!! FRIGGIN INSIDIOUS!!
In the wake of horror films such. As the last exorcist and Paranormal activity2...0r 3... a movie called Insidious came out. I put it off for a while, and finally got stoned with a bunch of friends this weekend and watched it. Let me say, IT WASN'T FUN.
Not only because I was stoned...this movie is what I refer to as a...."Jumper", aka that guy in the dark alley. It takes EVERY opportunity to jumpscare you, and I was basically a pogo stick before the movie even ended. EVEN THE TITLE JUMPSCARES YOU. HOLY REEDCHRIST!
[MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]
It is based around a boy who can have out of body experiences, and finally goes into a comalike state after a fall down the ladder in the attic[and 40 something jumps, ach mein gott.]. The doctor doesn't know what's wrong, and says its a coma. They move the kid back to the house, where all sorts of jumpscares happen. Lots of weirdos pop up, a boy runs out of the dresser, and the mom can't take it anymore.
Jeez, if a kid popped out of MY dresser, I wouldn't just sit and cry, id leave the house and those things!
So they move, and the stuff happens in the new house. So they call a few idiots, and thhey investigate. More jumps. Then a lady gets called in, and she has a look. She then sees the house veins in the cieling, and diagnoses him as a astral projector[out of body guy]. She then says that the house isn't haunted, its the kid.
Me: well, the adoption agency is always accepting weirdos.
Anyways, she also says many dead people want in since the. Kid's soul is lost, and most prominently...
A member of the ICP! AAAH!
. JK. A devil. So she proposes something and daddeh passes her off as a scammer. Soon, the red devil shows up in the kids drawings, and tiptoe by the window plays, and he reconsiders. So the lady sets up all sorts of cameras and she puts on a gas masky thing....didn't know ghosts. Used nova gas. Anyways, she tries speaking to the kid, only to be interfered by the deevil, and then the physical kid pulls some crap straight from Skrillex's First of the year music video. So the dad's mom comes and breaks it to him that the son inheritedc the astral crap from daddeh, who had a witch trying to get to him. So daddeh must go into the Further[as the lady says] to save his bobbeh!
So, he projects, and goes off. Then the scene that made the DR piss himself ensues [nope. Chuck Testa. You'll have to watch and see.] And finally, he reaches a red door. But Frankenstein doesn't want it painted black, so he fights daddeh, who somehow learns the force and pushes him away. And he enters the door, finds his son, has a somewhat funny fight scene with the red man, and runs with his son. They split and go to their bodies, only for the son to get hassled by the screen-popping red man, WHO CRAWLS ON THE WALL AFTER HIM EXORCIST STYLE. Seriously, do we have any satanic exorcists in hhere?
Finally, everything is back to normal. But when the lady takes a picture of daddeh, he goes paparazzi paranoid as he chokes her. Her astral self picks up the camera...AND SEES THE WITCH CONTROLLING HIM. Sso the mom goes in to find daddeh, and offscreen he says he's here. But then the screen pans...AND THE WITCH IS THERE! DUUUUUN!
[End of spoilers, you dirty cheats.]
And so, I agree that I shall neveer watch that movie again. DON'T WATCH IT. DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT!!
I'm the Deutscher Reviewer, and DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!