3 replies to this topic

[Velvet D'Coolette]

I really need a rant. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to.

I'm starting to worry about where my relationship is going.

18 months ago he was made redundant from a corporate job where he'd carved out a niche for himself doing pretty much quality checking. He found a new corporate job, only to find that a lot more was expected of him. It wasn't enough that he had his strengths and weaknesses, he was meant to have all strengths in all possible fields, to work quickly (he's a slow but thorough worker) and to keep an accuracy of over 98%.

For weeks, months even, he said to me again and again, 'I don't think I can do this. I'm just not quick enough. And when I am quick enough I'm no longer accurate enough', but slowly but surely, he trained himself to be that quick and at the present day, he just about teeters on the edge of being accurate enough to please his employers.

He's always been very eco-friendly but has struggled to find anyone else who cares as much as he does, so he was pleasantly surprised to find that one of his new colleagues is also a bit of an eco-warrior. Trouble is, she's also very immature, and hasn't yet grasped the idea that it's okay to admit one's own flaws. She's popular and manages to keep a crowd of friends around her all the time, but they're more or less all blinded by her glamour and her friendliness when she doesn't feel threatened, than by any other quality she has.

My other half doesn't make friends that easily - and neither do I, for that matter IRL - so I can appreciate how much he wants to hold on to this friendship. But they don't get along as well as he'd like. Her immature attitude to life gets on his nerves in a big way (not only does she refuse to accept responsibility for her part in any arguments but she loves telling people what to do. She uses her eco knowledge to do this but is massively hypocritical in a lot of ways). He dwells on this and has spent many hours telling me about it.

I think that part of the reason he dwells on her personality flaws is as a way of ignoring the fact that his job really doesn't suit him, but he'd rather not admit it. He's very duty-bound, always has been. As I said, he's managed to get his scores up high enough to please his employers, but I believe there has been a penalty for it. And I'm seeing it at home.

He's become more anxious, and for the past 7 months he's suffered from insomnia. He's always disdained alternative therapies, medicines like anti-depressants ('why take anti-depressants if you're feeling depressed? Sort the problem out yourself!') and once upon a time he'd have laughed at the idea of self-hypnosis tapes, but he's actually started using all of these things.

Everything so far has worked for a short time, and then started to fail.

He's just started on anti-depressants which, he says, get him to sleep amazingly well (although he does get restless legs), but having read people's reviews online he's discovered that they'll probably leave him grumpy in the daytimes, make him balloon in weight and he might not be able to drink alcohol for the whole time he takes them.

He loves a drink - a teetotal him will be really strange. And he's always looked after his health, so seeing him grow fat seems just so sad. And the man I fell in love with was full of optimism. I don't want to see him turn grumpy.

He's had one session of counselling so far and has another one this week. He feels that it wasn't very good and if this session coming up doesn't reveal anything helpful, he won't go again. Now, I'm about a quarter of the way through counselling training myself so I have an idea of how much good it can do, and what phenomenally hard work it'll be. I'm worried that he'll dismiss the counselling this time around as well and then as far as I can see, that'll be it.

For god's sake, it's his job that's the problem! But I worry he'll either not realise that, or will work hard at avoiding noticing that's the case.

I just want my partner back. But if this is it, if he doesn't come back to me... what then?

[Bakuda]

Work is important...but so is family. The great struggle in life is trying to find the balance. It's great that he's trying so hard to be successful in his job, but broadening the scope is it really worth the price? A great man once said "no amount of success can compensate for failure in the home." He needs to stop, take a look at his priorities, and focus on what's most important in life.

(null)

[Gojira007]

That sounds like an immensely difficult situation. =/ I'm in no position to really tell you how to handle it, so I can only wish you both the best of luck, and I hope you can eventually find a way to make things work.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Thanks guys. It's tricky, but I know he still loves me. He's just finding this really difficult at the moment and because he is, so am I.

At the same time it's one hell of a learning curve.