60 replies to this topic

[The Man]

Janet Reno's brother.

[chief]

chrysler 300

[The Man]

Wanted most from left to right.

[furrykef]

総理大臣

(It's Japanese for "prime minister".)

[ALIENwolve]

So... Dead Rising didn't feel Western enough because it lacked duct tape and a violent game show akin to Running Man?

Seriously, what was so Japanese about Dead Rising? The fact that they couldn't be arsed to pay for voice actors?

[randomizer]

Age, WorkClass, Education, EducationNum, MaritalStatus, Occupation, Relationship, Race, Gender, HoursPerWeek, NativeCountry

[Tristan Palmgren]

A man-sized puff of dirt exploded out of the ground between two Angosian cannons, and skipped across the field like a smooth stone across water. The ball itself moved two quickly to be seen. It must have been iron because it stayed intact. It bowled into the line of men standing behind it, scything a dozen bows and pikes and helmets.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

"Adam Lanning groaned aloud and gave his chair a spin." Blimey. What a starting sentence!

Ah, so Adam is the master and Japheth the servant. Maybe I don't know much about the relationship between the two, but I'm surprised that a servant would demand that his master does not scuff the floor.

""You were going to."" Yeah, he answers back a lot, doesn't he? Not that I'm complaining. A disobedient slave gives his master much 'work' to do

I think you've given just enough information here to make this reader wonder what the deal is with Japheth without infodumping. You've already built enough character by the end of the big, chunky paragraph that I wonder why he's so morose but know enough about his character to be able to... how can I say? Orient myself with him.

"...a private confession of vulnerability." *smiles* and sometimes we need those confessions to stay private. Nice bit of truth in fiction, there.

Hmm. As I get to "...but wasn't sure how much of that was true.", I'm starting to want more to happen in this story. Not much seems to be going on at this stage.

""Every time I look at you you're looking back. It's a bit...bothersome, to be honest."" Wow, the power level between them is surprisingly level. I wonder at this stage, in what way is this a master-slave relationship? And is it, actually, the other way around - that the employed slave is actually the master in the relationship?

""What are you talking about? I say that quite often--"

"Not during the daytime, though.""

Ha, a sweet bit of exposition, that!

""So? You'd still find me attractive. I know this for a fact." Japheth flashed Adam a brief smirk as he leaned against the study desk..." Aha, so Japheth has a bit of spark to him yet!

I wonder if the name 'Abram' is a little too similar to 'Adam' to be used in the same story - I've caught myself re-reading a couple of times.

Yeah, there's a lot of infodumping going on with Abram's character in this story. And since it's a oneshot that doesn't appear to need information on Abram, I wonder how necessary it is? It doesn't look it. But again, you said this was ideally to be read after Perfect Servant, so maybe I'm missing something, there.

"Adam didn't really think of Abram as a friend, or at least not a close friend..." Really? They sound like they must have been two peas in a pod. That just doesn't fly compared with the big paragraphh explaining their history together.

"It ought to be illegal for a boy to have skin so soft..." Heh, he's besotted! Japheth certainly plays with his position as servant/valet. Although often enough, he seems to just want to do his job well. And who can blame him?

""Jay, darling, you better reward me tenfold for this in the night," Adam said." That seems a bit cheeky! Japheth's been the one organising this! Adam's pretty much just going to turn up. Unless he's going to be doing a whole lot of networking? But that isn't really alluded to. He just feels slightly *too* reluctant to be doing this party, especially as he's just been reminded of why he's doing it - in his friend's honour.

- From We Return Reviews.

[XaverJin]

A warlock walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a bottle of beer and starts relaxing, when all of a sudden, a paladin walks in and sits next to him. He turns to look at the warlock and says: 'Hey buddy, conjure me up something to drink,'

The warlock raises an eyebrow and looks to the paladin, clearly confused. He set his bottle down and spoke, slowly, and clearly, so as not to confuse the paladin.

'You want me to summon water? Buddy, you've got the wrong person...'

With that said, he returned to his drink. However, the paladin spoke up once again.

'Well if you can't conjure me up something to drink, can you at least conjure me up something to eat?'

The warlock sighed heavily and set his drink down, turning once again to face the paladin.

'If I can't conjure you something to drink, what makes you think I could conjure you something to eat? You clearly need a mage, now stop bothering me.'

The warlock returned to his drink, only to find the paladin nudging his shoulder.

'Oh I'm sorry,' the paladin said mockingly. 'I thought you had something to offer to someone other than yourself.'

The warlock smoothly rose from his seat, grabbed his bottle of beer, and swung it hard, smashing the paladin full in the face. The paladin collapsed on the floor amidst a shower of beer, blood, shards of glass, and shattered pride, groaning in pain. The warlock tossed the broken neck of the bottle on the floor, and smoothed his robes.

'Oh I'm sorry,' he said with a smile. 'I thought you could tank.'

[Shadow]

phototech@fotosource.com

[chief]

Dun du dun duuu Jesus can! But can Batman?

[The Man]

Funny, XJ.

Where did the unnamed security guard go? Did he slip into the time pod?

OCC: I was commenting on youtube about flaws in fiction. Gotta nic pic and/or be overcritical every now and then.

[Shadow]

Deadliest Warrior

[furrykef]

<furrykef> I'm puzzled.

[The Man]

Kaige Dragon (Kaotix of FUS boards) vs. Max Hedgehog (The Man of said boards)

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Okay, so I'm getting back into this story after a really long time. So let's see...

"We'd thrown down heavy the night before..." The phrase 'thrown down heavy' is jargon to me, but the gist of it comes through: somehow, your boys had a heavy night. Whether they're not hung over or nursing bruises and cuts from a fight I don't know. Perhaps both, and more.

Ah. It was a drinking night, wasn't it?

"They seem to take a kind of grim pleasure when things start to go awry." You get like that when your national history involves starting a lot of wars Chip, meet shoulder.

Ah, Thing 1 and Thing 2, of course! The twins! I love their names - that brings this prodigal reader back into the fold!

"He seemed to have lost a little of the hitch in his giddy-up..." Pardon? This sounds like it's got something to do with horses, but I doubt it.

'Fireplug'? That sounds like a scary nickname, but I don't see what it means. Am I being dense?

"The line clicked as Archie hung up." Ah, so Mack remembered half-way through the call that the twin's name was Archie. I think you might want to mention that mid-call, though.

"Jesus, how bad could this chick be?" Although I was thinking this, I like the timing, and the way you've outlined exactly what the problem's going to be. Foreshadowing if ever I saw it.

"Reliant Rebel." I read Reliant Robin at first. Not sure what the Rebel looked like, but I now can't help but see a three-wheeler full of football thugs. My god.

Oh, so *that's* where the names Things 1 and 2 come from! I was never a big fan of Dr. Seuss, so I missed the reference!

"This twin has a little car, this twin has a little scar, see how different these twins are." Tasty.

I like the term 'meat shield'.

"She was petite, maybe 5'3" and very slender, but still amazingly curvy." Oh, right. I was expecting a troll. When you say she's very slender but still curvy, do you mean she's had augmentation surgery? That's the only way that's technically possible.

"Something vaguely resembling a diamond glittered in her navel..." Cubic zirconium. Can't beat it

"...tinged with smoke and honey..." Dude, I love that bit - really well-chosen words!

She's quite wordy, isn't she? She won't use one word when five will do. Not that she goes really over the top with it, I just get the impression she likes to use the language.

""Slow your roll sis, 'e's damaged goods. An' you, hands off my sister. I'd hate to 'ave t' kill ya."" I get the impression Mack's doing better with Jez then the twins had anticipated.

"...and figured out what he'd meant by it. And no doubt about it, I was definitely doomed." Ohhhh, right. Boy meets girl, boy and girl are attracted to each other, boy bangs girl, twins brothers of girl mash boy to a pulp. Yes?

"The book was an old, battered copy of the Cat in the Hat..." Oh. Double 'I see how things go, now'. Poignant.

This story of the twins' father's death is really quite a change from the tone of the previous stories. I've no doubt you'll pick up the 'fists, bricks and glory' aspect of the story again later on, but this chapter... it's quite a surprise to see all of this in here.

I have to say, I like it. I wonder, though, did the twins invite Mack to their house so their sister could tell the story for them? Did they realise Jez would be so open about the family history? Do they resent him finding out so much? Perhaps what he's learning in the house will have no further impact on the story... or perhaps it'll change a lot of things.

I suppose I'll have to wait and see.

"My past is riddled with failed relationships that sparked gloriously then fizzled quickly." Hmm. Okay, interesting. You said, right at the beginning, that Mack came over to the UK and then his girlfriend left him, and Jake found him in a pub feeling sorry for himself. Now, self-pity is not an attractive quality in either men or women, so could it be that this has been the reason for Mack's previous lack of long-term success? And could it be on the turnaround, if he's got 'don't let it get ya down' friends?

I don't think this is ultimately a love story, but it's an intriguing thought. A sub-plot, perhaps.

Hmm. Again, on the love story note, Mack admits to never having had much luck with women in long-term relationships, intimating that he's had quite a few but they've always fizzled out.

Then you say that he was high-school sweethearts with Stephanie and that they were together a lot, with several short breakups which were essentially them two being angry and then getting over it, and gettting back together. After his final breakup with her, he felt sorry for himself and then met Jake, which marks the beginning of this story.

So where's he had these several short(ish) relationships where he felt a spark, and in which they stayed together long enough for him to suppose his carefree nature messed it up?

I think there's wiggle room where you mention infidelity, but I can't help but feel that when Mack says 'infidelity' he means drunken, bitter one night stands during the few-days-long breakups. And getting to know someone long enough to be attracted to their easygoing nature only to eventually find it annoying takes at the very least a good few weeks.

*reads the meal bit* I really, really have to cook another pie from scratch. Worked like a charm last time

"...a decanter full of some brown liquid. " 'Some brown liquid' that turns out to be a spirit doesn't quite ring true for me. Surely Mack would have recognised an aged drink from the moment he clapped eyes on it rather than just thinking of it as 'brown liquid'.

""All yours bruv, I prefer t' be the strong silent type."" Heh heh. So do I, and I'm female. Confuses people who try to bond with me to absolute buggery.

I'm really liking Jez. She must be like Jekyll & Hyde if the Things expected her to be so different. I wonder...

"They advanced on one another, murder in their eyes..." Sh!t. That turned nasty pretty quick.

Jez! Good girl!

Oh, so the twins don't seem that disapproving of Mack getting attention from Jez. So why do you say, "Doomed."?

Anyway, that was great and thanks for another entertaining half-hour!

- From We Return Reviews.

[chief]

Trying to find a job up north to work on the oil fields.

[furrykef]

基準

[Misk]

~Hellgate's Shade~
ヘルゲートのシェード



Hellgate extends his arms and the throne room fades away to nothing but pure white. All around them, the traces of the dream world are erased. In its place is the perfect battlefield.

Holding his sword in attack position, he motions with his other hand the universal sign for his opponents to make the first move.



-From an RP I happen to be participating in, of which I play the antagonistic role of "Hellgate." This post actually has yet to be made on the RP, I simply readied it early and was testing it out.

[Shadow]

http://fc04.devianta..._Gaters_Art.jpg