27 replies to this topic

[Velvet D'Coolette]

So here it is, folks!

Sonic and the Deliberate Mary Sue 3

The Freedom Fighters plot a multi-stage mission, but Snively learns of this and plots a devastating counter-attack. Starla returns, this time with a companion. As their relationship deteriorates, she realises she needs the FF's support, but how can she get it, when she's done so much damage?

There is a T version of this story (suitable for teenagers), but I haven't linked to it on this forum. It is reachable from my ff.net profile page if you'd prefer that one. The version linked to in this post, and in my signature, is the M version (a bit of explicit sex, although not a huge amount, one character being a bit 'pushy', and occasional pottymouthing). I'm guessing that this isn't too explicit for this forum, but if any mods have issue with this then I'll amend this post to the T version and add the M version to the Mature section of this forum.

I've been working on this one since August last year, so I'd be much obliged if I could have feedback from anyone who reads the story. Go ahead - make my day!

[/Clint Eastwood]

[Vlad Yvhv]

Checked out the T version because I'm not into the sex in fiction thing, so's to not give a biased opinion. You seem to have a good grasp on the accents and chars, and the story is interesting enough to make me curious as to where it's headed. On my personal scale, I'd say 6/10 as a story (in the upper ranks of my experience with fanfics), and 8/10 as a fanfic. Overall, a good job.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Ah, thank you!

You say 6/10 as a story. I'm curious to ask, have you read the previous stories? Thing is, the gravity of this story depends on knowing what Starla's like and her history with the FFs. Without it, I fear it'll be too OC-orientated as a standalone.

[Vlad Yvhv]

Yes, I did check them out. My overall story story ratings are a bit skewed against fanfics. 6 on that scale is very high for a fanfic. The reason for this skew is that I've read some truely epic stuff that has occasionally floored me. I have yet to read a fanfic that does this. The story is good, but does suffer from some of the problems fanfics cause in overall story quality. The 8/10 fanfic rating disreguards these inherant story problems. I have read some better fanfics before, and they're the reason this one doesn't score higher on that scale.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Fair enough.

What did you mark the story down on in particular? I'm always interested in knowing where I can improve.

[Vlad Yvhv]

There's an overall feeling of the story seeming rushed. It's kinda like all the chars and the writer just want the story to be over with quicker. I've occasionally done this, myself. You may want to try expanding it a little here and there to take care of that, if it's not intentional. Sometimes it just takes a few extra details, or describing something in better detail. Sometimes some tweaking to dialog. It's not always a consistant fix for any one story. It could require a paragraph or 2, or just a couple of extra words.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Ah, see, this is where I find I often hit a brick wall. Some critics want more description because a story feels rushed without it, while others want less because they want the pacing to keep up. So it's not always possible to keep the pacing/detail balance right for every reader.

But fair enough, I appreciate your input: if I get more people saying it's rushed than it's slow, then I know what to do in future.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Ah, thanks. I was meant to post a new chapter yesterday, but ff.net isn't working. It's not accepting submissions.

[Vlad Yvhv]

Ah, see, this is where I find I often hit a brick wall. Some critics want more description because a story feels rushed without it, while others want less because they want the pacing to keep up. So it's not always possible to keep the pacing/detail balance right for every reader.

But fair enough, I appreciate your input: if I get more people saying it's rushed than it's slow, then I know what to do in future.

That's understandable. After all, it is your story, and one person's perceptions can always be quite different from another's. Don't let my musings become a hinderance to your creativity.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Top stuff It is a bugger though, not being able to negotiate that particular hurdle to everybody's satisfaction.

By the way all, ff.net's loosened up again so have managed to post chapter 2.

[Vlad Yvhv]

Good job. This chapter doesn't have that rushed feeling. I look forward to seeing where this story goes.

[Razgrizblaze1]

I just read the other two stories and am now up to date on the entire series. I must say, the theory behind your story is quite entertaining but, unlike most parodies, turns off *most* of the humor and keeps the story semi-serious. I can't wait to see how you tie everything up for this story's conclusion and how things will come off now that things are beginning to take a turn for the better. (Character relations wise) I'll just have to wait and see I suppose...

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Glad to hear you're enjoying, Raz!

Tell me: are you, by any chance, a member of richarddawkins.net? Your name seems familiar.

[Razgrizblaze1]

Glad to hear you're enjoying, Raz!

Tell me: are you, by any chance, a member of richarddawkins.net? Your name seems familiar.

No, I'm afraid you must have me confused for someone else.

[An7imatt3r]

I just started reading your FanFic this weekend, and I am finally all caught up. Chapter 7 & 8 in particular were great, I am very curious to see how everything ends up. That is a nice piece of work.

[randomizer]

Doing some some grave digging and resurrecting this long dead thread (which is hypocritical, since it is one of my pet-hates). I actually got around to reading this tonight (although I haven't read the first 2 yet), and I was quite impressed. I am not, by any means, a reader. In fact I get bored very quickly. In this case, I got through to chapter 8 before realising I'd been reading the whole thing when I had only planned to read the first 2 chapters tonight, so that's a definite positive point. Considering I have not read the previous 2 fanfics, I thought you made it easy to grasp the personality of the non-FF characters early on, which made it easier to follow without having the back story.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

Oh, wonderful - thank you, Randomizer! I hadn't particularly intended for that to happen, as I've always thought of the series as just that - a series. I think that, in order to get quite how deep the mistrust lies between Starla and the gang, stories 1 and 2 help, but I'm glad it works as a standalone.

[randomizer]

Yes, the deeper details are obviously not there, but you did mention briefly why each of the characters hates Starla (laughed at Rotor's teste pop and brought up Bunnie's robotocised limbs in a conversation), which was enough to get a grasp of what was going on such that the rest of the story still made sense. I'll be sure to read the other two when I get the time.

[Velvet D'Coolette]

'Teste pop'!? Fucking hell!